How to Build a Relationship with a Decisionmaker When You’re Starting from Scratch with Them - Episode 22

You're listening to the nonprofit power podcast. In today's episode, we reveal how to build a relationship with a decision maker when you're starting from scratch with them. So stay tuned. If you want to have real and powerful influence over the money and policy decisions that impact your organization and the people you serve, then you're in the right place. I'm Cath Patrick, and I've helped dozens of progressive non profit leaders take their organizations to new and higher levels of impact and success by building powerful influence with the decision makers that matter. It is possible to get a critical mass of the money and policy decision makers in your world to be as invested in your success as you are, to have them seeking you out as an equal partner, and to have them Bringing opportunities and resources to you. This podcast will help you do just that. Welcome to the nonprofit power podcast. Hey everybody. Kath Patrick here. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of the nonprofit power podcast. I'm so glad you're here for today's episode. When you have to generate a strategic relationship from nothing. It can feel like an impossible task. Where do you even start? I'm happy to report there are proven methods that you can. can use to build a strategic relationship from scratch. You just need the roadmap. Yeah. Hey there folks. Welcome to the nonprofit power podcast. I'm your host, cath, Patrick. Sometimes you need to build a relationship with a decision maker. And you're starting from absolute scratch. And you're looking around trying to figure out how am I supposed to build a relationship out of nothing with a decision maker that's in charge of something that I really care about. There are plenty of ways you can do that. It's a matter of applying some basic relationship, building strategies and principles and steps. And be willing to commit the time to actually build the relationship. So you know which Decision-maker you need the relationship With and you're starting from total scratch The first thing you want to Do is clarify Your goals for the relation. Identify either the problem you want to work with them to solve. Or the vision you want to work with them to help bring about. And get super clear about that in your mind first. And then identify what it is you want that decision maker. To do. What specific actions do you want them to take? At some point. Now granted that's a ways down the road. Because you don't have a relationship at all yet. And you're going to have to build that relationship before you can engage them enough to get them to want to work with you and help you out with whatever your goal is. But before you do anything else you want to get super clear on, ultimately, what is it that you want them to do? And then, and this is a step that a lot of people forget or skip. And it's so critical. Is to create a clear vision for how you want the relationship to operate. How are the two of you working together as partners to solve this problem or bring about this vision. And take time to really visualize that in your mind. when things are working exactly the way you want them to with this decision maker ultimately. What does it look like as you're both rolling up your sleeves and working together to make this thing happen? That is the vision that is going to drive your approach to relationship building. It's gonna completely inform how you show up in every encounter with this decision maker. It's going to inform your messaging. It's going to inform everything about how you relate to them. Part of your goal for this relationship from the beginning is how you're relating to one another. And how they're viewing you and how you're working together. It really is one of the most critical pieces of preliminary work you can ever do in setting about building relationship with someone from scratch. You want to be seen as a problem solving partner as a peer who's respected and relied upon, and who's bringing value to the table. Approaching. The relationship building process with this vision front and center will help you show up as that problem solving partner as that respected peer who brings value to the relationship into the work at hand As opposed to the way you don't want to show up. what you don't want is to be operating as a supplicant or as someone who has no power in the relationship or has nothing of value to bring. Because That has an energy, that has a vibe, a frequency that just repels people. Not just decision-maker people that repels people in general. You don't want to be needy. You don't want to be. In begging mode. You want to be in partner mode. And so getting your vision about the relationship clear from the beginning is a huge piece of how you make that happen. Understand that the process of relationship building from scratch takes a significant amount of time. Now it can move slowly or quickly, depending on a number of factors. But you have to be willing to invest the time to develop the relationship. And. I often use the metaphor of dating, which I realize is a little bit risky because there's some parallels that we don't want to draw. But as with dating, Except for one weird reality show on television, you don't say, Hey, nice to meet you. You want to get married? The getting to know you process takes time. Because you don't want this to be a blind date. You start by learning about them. What do they care about? What language do they use to talk about the things that they care about? What language do they use to talk about your services and/ or your general area of focus? Because maybe they don't talk about your services at all. Maybe they don't know they exist, but they probably know something about the general universe in which you operate. how do they talk about that? What's their role? What are they responsible for? Not just the thing that you want to work with them on, but what's the whole picture of everything they've got on their plate. In terms of their portfolio of work. That they are responsible for making happen. Understanding that is immensely valuable. And what non-work-related activities are they involved in? Church, book groups, PTA. School community in general arts sports, anything at all that could create an opening for a connection or a bridge of some kind. those are the kinds of things that you want to learn about them. So how do you find that out? Well, Start with a basic search. That's the easy one. And often it'll turn up quite a bit. Definitely investigate social media. There's hardly anybody who's not involved on at least one social media platform. And a lot of professionals, you're at least going to find them on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is a treasure trove of information. you're basically getting somebody's resume, all the jobs they've had, what kind of work they've done in the past. it's always fascinating to me how many people particularly who work in government in any realm, if they're in, in an administrative capacity or an elected capacity. A lot of times they have a nonprofit background somewhere In their life. And, you know, plenty of folks who work for corporate settings, who might be prospective partners, also have that. but definitely In the public sector, it's not at all uncommon to discover that somebody got some nonprofit service in their background and that's super helpful to understand. If they're a public figure, an elected official chances are they have multiple social media accounts that they manage from a professional end of things. But also most people have some kind of a social media presence as a human being that is not connected to their work life. So you want both, you want to know what do they have to say about themselves? Check out podcast interviews. you'll discover that they've been in a podcast interview, usually through some kind of an internet search. you certainly want to also look for traditional media interviews that they may have done. Any press releases that were ever sent about them will tell you things cause it'll often quote them and you'll have a clue about what kind of language they're using. their website, if they have one. All electeds, have a website. Pretty much at every level of government. Uh, some are very informative, some not so much, but at the very least, they will tell you a lot about the language that that person uses to talk about the work and the issues of the day. And the other great source is just people who know them. So you find out as much as you can. And then one of the things you're going to do is you're going to develop your initial messaging to align the things that you care about with the things that they care about. And this will be very imperfect to begin with. But at least it's a starting point. you might strike gold with some of your research and discover something super useful and specific. Let's say, you run a food bank. And you discover that this decision maker that you're interested in used to work at a food bank in another city. Or maybe they volunteer at one and you discover that through press releases about them. you may find really direct connections like that, where you can see that they already care about the issue. And that's awesome. You might also find something much more tangential. but whatever you find, it's a hook to begin to think about how can I frame things for them in a way that is going to resonate for them? And you might also find when you're learning how they talk about things. You're learning some broad things too. Like, do they tend to talk about return on investment and cost effectiveness? Or do they tend to talk about more heart-centered things about helping people and ensuring that people can thrive and have what they need to do well in the world? Do they speak from a place of empathy or do they speak from a place of very left brain logic? there's no right or wrong. It's just helpful information to understand how do they generally approach these kinds of issues. So you've got that. And the next thing you want to do, if at all possible is to find somebody who can be a bridge to that decision maker. Somebody that you have in common that can connect you to them. And cast your net very widely. start with easy, which is your board members. Presumably part of why you picked your board members is that they are very well connected in the community. Chances are good that one or more of your board members probably has some kind of relationship or at least acquaintanceship with the decision maker that you're interested in. Your volunteers might also have connections. you may be aware of a handful of your volunteers who are particularly well connected. Definitely investigate your colleagues, both inside your organization and outside. Your coalition partners, other folks Around town who are professional colleagues, do they know this person? Do they have a relationship there? And don't forget your friends and family. I had a colleague who managed to get to a very prominent us Senator who was extremely conservative. Who was in High-level leadership in the us Senate. And there was no great basis for building a relationship on the general issue that they wanted to pursue. But the connection they found, the bridge they found was. their daddy's daddy and the senators, daddy. Used to go hunting together back when neither of them was anybody important. Or had any influence particularly anywhere And they connected with the Senator on that basis. And it wound up being a very fruitful relationship. They were able to engage that senator on a piece of policy that no one else had been able to get them to listen at all. And it was on the strength of that personal connection. So you just never know. there's all kinds of possibilities. So you find one or more bridges, people who can connect you and then ideally what you want your bridge to be able to do is to not only introduce you to this decision maker and. If you can set it up so that it's actually an introduction, like you're standing in the same room. And your bridge says to the decision maker decision maker, I'd like for you to meet my friends slash colleagues Mary Smith. Mary is awesome. This is some of the work she does. This is why it's so important to the community. That's great. and then you of course have to be ready To do your part at that moment. but more often it's going to be something like a conversation that happens when you're not there. when the decision-maker and your bridge are somewhere together or they're talking at a meeting, or maybe they're connecting by email and they're chatting that way. or they're texting one another. And you want your bridge to say, Hey, you know, I was thinking about that thing that you're really concerned about. And it made me think of my friend slash colleague, Mary Smith. Who's also quite involved in this arena. And I think the two of you could maybe put your heads together. You might be able to help each other out here. I think this would be a good person for you to know. you want them to give the decision maker or reason they should want to talk to you. cause you don't just want to say. I hate these emails. They email both parties and they say, hello, I'm providing an introduction. decision-maker X this is Mary Smith. Mary Smith this is decision maker X., I think you two should talk. not much usually comes of those kinds of things. So you may have to tell your bridge what you want them to do. They don't necessarily know this intuitively. Some people are great at this. and others kind of have to be coached a little bit. you should be ready to tell your bridge how you think that you and the decision maker could connect over an issue. What your sense of how you're aligned is, and that you would like them to flag that for the decision maker and suggest that you all talk. That's a lot more helpful. Now if your bridge is a personal friend of the decision maker. Even better. Because then it can be more casual. And it can be a little bit pushier. Which is great. You know, you talk to your friends differently than you talk to your colleagues, right? If a friend says to you, Hey. I know this really awesome person who is working on X, Y, Z. And every time I talked to them, I think of you. I just think the two of you ought to get together and talk about this cause I think you guys could do some amazing stuff together. And it just, it makes me nuts that you don't know each other. So how about I connect you guys. What do you think? And if they're going, ah, I don't know. they could push a little and say, no, really, this would be amazing. this is a relationship that needs to happen. How about we all get coffee, you leverage whatever you can, but a bridge is incredibly helpful. It shortens the process appreciably. Now. If there are no bridges. First of all look harder. Because unless you live in a massively huge city where it's just too big and too spread out for there to be a lot of common circles. Chances are, you know, somebody who knows that decision maker. I just haven't figured out who they are yet. So even if you begin the process of a cold introduction, keep looking for bridges because they're probably there and you just haven't identified them. But let's say you don't have a bridge. So then you've got some options that allow you to reach out directly and begin to build a connection that help to sort of grease the wheels for when you might actually reach out to say, Hey, I'd like to talk with you about X. if they're active anywhere on social media, Engage with them there. And just set up a feed. Or do whatever you have to do. To monitor regularly what they're posting. And comment on their posts in a substantive way. And ideally that connects back to ultimately where you're headed with this, but that won't always work. People all use social media very differently and people use LinkedIn differently than they use other social media. So a lot of what you see on LinkedIn is Versions of, I was so pleased to be able to present to blahbity blah group on such and such topic. Or I was so honored to be in the room with these people working on this thing, or, oh, I'm so pleased and humbled to have won this award from such and such place. Right. It's those kinds of things. it's a lot of, sort of humble, bragging. So fine. That's useful. when you see that, go ahead and comment. And make your comment be substantive. So if they were so pleased and proud to meet with a group or present to a group or receive an award, whatever it is. Don't just hit the like button. Don't just say, congratulations. Say something consequential. if they met with a group, if they presented to somebody say something about the work of that group that they presented. if you know what the topic was that they talked about say something about that. And what you think about it. that does two things. Basically, it, it shows that you are interested in the topic. And it shows that you noticed that they did a thing that they're proud of. And that you appreciate it and them. All right. Simple little stuff. If they're on other socials, you know, the more social socials Then comment there. And just. Comment in the context of the platform. The short version is that you want to show up wherever they're showing up. And a lot of those spaces are going to be virtual. But they are also going to be. IRL. So if they're Making a public appearance. If they're at social events. now the social events. my caveat is that you show up at these things in a non stalker-y way I don't like be following them and creeping them out, but if they're going to be somewhere that your research told you they're routinely involved, they're a big backer of the local high school football team or their, active in the PTA. most communities have some sort of a regular set of festivals and other little events where you might be able to connect to them. And what you're doing whenever you're at these kinds of things is you're engaging preliminarily. You're just making their acquaintance and chatting a bit. Now it depends on where you live and what the customs are and also what kind of event you're at I live in the Washington DC area and we are absolutely cursed with the reality that it doesn't matter where you are. You can be at the dog park. And the conversation is going to be. And what do you do? Everybody here wants to know what you do for a living and they want to know about your work. Not everybody's that way. It's okay. You have a full and robust life. You have plenty of other things you can talk about. If they want to know what you do for a living great, because that just made the whole path to building the relationship around your objective much shorter. Yay. so on the one hand, it drives me crazy when people in Washington do that. And on the other hand, when I actually am trying to build a professional relationship, it makes it quite handy because I can cut to the chase. I'd say, well, actually one of the most exciting things I'm working on right now is that the debt. And whatever it is, I have already done the thinking and the research to know w how are they focused? How do they talk about this? how is our work aligned in some way so that when I get the chance to be in a room with them, or to engage them in some way, I'm ready with the framing that I already figured out is probably going to be the most appealing. And so at a dinner party or a reception, Fundraisers, what have you, those are really good places to connect with decision makers, usually. you're ready to chat a little bit and have a sentence or two. If they ask. What do you do? You can say, well, I work with blah blah. And the thing that. I'm working on right now. That's super exciting is, and then you name that problem or that vision that you're focused on solving or bringing about. And you just leave it at that. You don't talk to them for 20 minutes about it. You don't. Unload on them, all the stuff that someday you're going to want to share with them. This is just chit-chat. So rein it in. But if you have that opportunity, If the opening occurs to say what you're working on by all means, be ready with one or two sentences that are engaging and interesting because your goal always. In all messaging with all communications. Is always to leave them wanting more. To frame up the conversation in such a way that they are leaning in and saying. Oh, wow. That's really interesting. Tell me more about that. And if you can make that happen in that initial conversation. Great. It's not a failure if you don't, but if it happens, yay. You just moved a couple steps closer to building that know like trust and respect that you're ultimately seeking to build with this decision maker. but it's baby steps here. If either that isn't an option, there's nothing coming up where you're going to be able to be in there in a room with them or in the same space with them. Then, you may wind up having to make a cold introduction of yourself with an email or an old fashioned letter on actual paper. depends who they are and what their work is. Sometimes that's still appropriate. it does get noticed. Because hardly anybody sends paper mail anymore. So there are times when actually that's not a bad trick. Whereas emails. You know, we all get about 6,000 emails a day. And so it's very easy for emails to get lost, even from people that we already know and are paying attention to. So you want to be really focused with your subject line for that email. and not something like, gee, I'm hoping we can connect. And they're looking at the sender and going, who, who is that? it needs to be something that is aligned with their existing interests. You're focusing on aligned interests, both in your subject line and in the body of your email. And you're basically requesting an opportunity to discuss this further. There's a fine line between. The subject line that starts to sound like clickbait. You know, you don't want to have a subject line. It's like. One weird trick to solve this problem. But on the other hand, you want to basically say that you have something that's helpful to them. even if it's just uh, subject line that says a new thought on how to solve X problem. Or a new thought on how to get to, and then fill in the blank vision. That's not to click baity. And stands a better chance of getting the email open. I'm like, well, who is this? With the opening salutation you can never go wrong communicating respect but you can go wrong assuming a level of familiarity that isn't there or that they're not comfortable with. use titles use honorifics. If you're writing to an elected, you absolutely use their title. Do your representative so-and-so dear council member. So-and-so. with an elected, you always use the title. And you can say, dear, You can say, good morning, good afternoon, And then A brief body of an email that says some version of why you thought of them, what you're working on that is aligned with their interests in some way. And that you have something of, value to offer to the project. And that might be just I have some thoughts about some innovative ways to come at this problem and I'd like to discuss them with you. We've done a lot of work on this already in my organization. We're having some great initial success. And I would love to talk with you about it and see if there are ways that we can collaborate. You're not being pushy, but you're communicating in some way, how you are bringing value that you have thoughts, you have ideas, you have solutions. You're also doing some things with that kind of messaging that are implicit. Which are that you are beginning to establish yourself, laying down some markers. As a person who is knowledgeable about this set of issues, you are knowledgeable about this problem and potentially about how to solve it. So you're establishing credibility. You're also establishing that you are a person who likes to work collaboratively. That you engage others to help solve a problem. If you can say in your email, I've talked with some other colleagues. or any connections you have, even if you didn't use them as a bridge, to be able to say, in my conversations with, fill in the blank prestigious research institution or local Poobah, whatever it is in my conversations with so-and-so more credibility being established. I've had some great conversations with so-and-so about this. And we both thought of you. Whatever you can say to pull them in. And simultaneously you are establishing some credibility for yourself in the eyes of this decision maker, who does not know you and has never met you. So you're doing a lot with this very brief email and remember nobody reads anything. it has to not require that they scroll down a bunch. A paragraph or two. Max. You just want too get them to agree to engage with you in some way. Could we schedule a 15 minute call. Or, happy to come to you. if you have 15 minutes to meet sometime in the next week or two, that would be great. ideally what you'd really like as a face to face. If they agree to a call, Schedule a zoom call. so you see each other's faces. This is very important for relationship building. There's so much information there about body language, about energy, about all of it. and all of that is best communicated. Actually in-person in the same space, but if that's not possible, then you at least want like a zoom interaction so that you can see each other's faces. there's so much going on that isn't about the words being said. That is very important to building know like trust and respect with this person and between you. You want them to know like trust and respect you, but you also want to know like trust and respect to them. Right?. So here's the thing. Always say, thank you. Any chance you get, certainly if they agree to talk with you, if they spend any time with you, if. If they engage with you in any way, thank you so much for, and then whatever it was that they did said thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me. I'm really excited about a couple of things that you said. Shows that you were listening. And. I came back to our office and I talked with some colleagues and. And we had a couple more ideas and. Here's what those are, you know, and you just begin to build a conversation back and forth. Part of what you want is to keep the conversation going. And thanking people. Regularly goes a long way. Acknowledging them acknowledging their ideas. Validating their ideas saying, wow, When you said such and such that really, it was a light bulb moment for me. And then, you know, I had this other thought and so you're trying to get a conversation going. most of your communications probably will be email or virtual on a zoom or whatever. But if you get that one opportunity to be in the same space with them, that is huge and makes it so much easier to build from there. But you can do it if it's all virtual, if it's all email, just the more you can personalize stuff the better. so much of this is just interpersonal dynamics and we have to be aware of them and cultivating that as consciously as possible without becoming self-conscious about it. So you want to be genuinely interested in them as a human being. You're not prying. But you're interested. and people will often drop some personal information in a, conversation, no matter how brief it is. maybe they were late to work that day and they're a little flustered about it. and you can just say, oh gosh, traffic? And then they might say, well, no, actually my kid was sick. And it was up literal and figurative mess and it wrecked my whole morning And then you've got something personal to engage in. Oh, I know. Oh, you have my sympathy. whatever. but you can connect over that. You can connect over anything and everything that is personal. You listen, you care, you reflect back to them that you actually heard what they said. And that you have empathy for it. And the way that you do that is the way you would do with a friend. they might say I was stuck on the freeway behind a six car accident. And part of me was like super aggravated about the delay on the other part of me was really worried about the people in the six cars. And you might say, oh gosh, that sounds awful for everybody involved. Now, what you don't do is then launch into your own six hour story about the last time you were stuck in traffic. if it was the kid who was sick and you have kids. you can empathize there. almost anything anybody says about, Stuff that happened at home that two mocked up there day in some kind of way. you can empathize on some level. there's so much in the human experience that is shared. that we have in common. And if we just listen. If we are just open. And respond with empathy and kindness and caring. The amount of connection that can be made over the smallest personal detail that gets shared is huge. And that's where the seeds of a real relationship begin. Yes. You have goals for this relationship? Yes. You have things that you want to make sure happened. You're building this relationship on purpose. It's a strategic decision. But once you've made that strategic decision. The process of building relationship with another human being. Is very personal. It's not transactional. And if you approach it, transactionally, It will not go well. Human beings are very good at sniffing that out and they don't like it. A lot of decision-makers are accustomed to being approached in a mercenary, transactional fashion. And when someone actually shows up and that someone is you. Who just actually gives a darn. And listens to them as a human being. That goes a long way. remember that you're building relationship with a human being. And so that personal connection is super, super important. If you're meeting in their office. And they have a mug on their desk from where they went to school. or they've got a hockey Jersey framed on the wall. If you can notice something and make a connection around it, then do that. If they have a picture of a couple of kids on display. Oh, what a couple of cuties. Are they yours? Don't assume. It might be nieces and nephews. It might be grandchildren. You don't know. And then let them say whatever they have to say. generally 99% of the time. They will tell you something. They will say, oh yes, those are my God children. They're just wonderful. And that might be the end of it. Okay, well then there's not much to work with there. Except to maybe volunteer that you have, a couple of kids of your own or whatever you have to say. They might tell you a lot. They might say. Yeah, that's my, that's my niece and nephew. If it's a sad story. Their mom passed away last year so I'm really very involved in their lives right now. they could tell you that much. Or they could just say. Yep. They sure are acuities. And then that just tells you something right there, which is they don't want to talk about that. They're not ready to go there with you yet. No problem. Moving on. So you have to listen. Have to pick up the cues. But you can make the overture. Just listen and be very attentive to what gets said verbally, but also the body language, facial expressions, all of it that's coming back at you so that you know whether you should pursue or move on. A lot like dating. So. This is going to go on for a while. Like dating. you don't get the prospective date to meet you for coffee that one time. And then now you're ready to get married. It's like, no, now you're maybe ready to have coffee again, or maybe you're ready to go to lunch. Right. So. If you get the decision maker to engage a little bit, great. Then build on that. All you're going to be doing for a while is building bit by bit. Each time there is a positive interaction you circle back, you keep the communication going. And while I wouldn't advise this in a dating scenario It is a good plan to do any strategic relationship building situation. Which is you be willing for at least the initial stages to carry the bulk of the work of keeping the communication going. Because from the beginning. Remember, this is your strategic relationship that you by design said you needed and you wanted. So you have an investment going in. That the decision-maker doesn't have yet. You're trying to create that investment. But it may take a while. Multiple interactions of you keeping that communication going of you being the one who shoulders the task of always following up, always connecting, finding reasons to connect without being too annoying, right? You don't want to be in their inbox every other day. But whenever you have something of value, something of interest that you're keeping the conversation going. As you get to know the decision maker, you'll gain more and more insight into how best to frame your message to engage the most effectively. And be aware that there's going to be quite a bit of trial and error involved especially at the beginning. You'll be adjusting your messaging on the fly practically constantly until you can start to identify what's working and then you build on that. you find your way through using all the forms of feedback that are available to you. Body language, facial expressions, energy level, degree of focus. All of it. In the best collaborative relationships there is an energy chemistry that is like, yeah, we're both really jazzed about this and we're excited about what's going to be possible. We can do great things together. It's that kind of energy. That's where you're headed. And if you invest the time upfront. When you need to build a relationship from scratch. You can build the foundation of that strong. collaborative relationship that you envisioned from the very beginning. And you'll start to see the results. You were looking for. Thanks for listening and I'll see you in the next episode. If you found value in this episode, please share it with other progressive nonprofit leaders. And I'd be most grateful if you would leave a rating and review which will help even more people find out About the podcast. Thanks so much.